April 1, 2014
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning display of bipartisanship, an overwhelming majority of House Republicans voted with their Democratic counterparts to pass a bill taxing the wealthiest Americans to fund clean energy research. Speaker of the House John Boehner explained this seismic shift in policy saying, “So we take a little money away from people who have too much to begin with, they won’t miss it. We in Congress have a responsibility to protect the environment for our grandchildren and their children.” The 1.5% tax on the top 1% of the richest Americans will raise over $300 billion for research. Saying he was inspired by President John Kennedy’s pledge to put a man on the moon by the end of the 1960s, Boehner pledged that the United States will use renewable energy sources with a goal of no carbon emissions for energy production by 2020. “We have a lot of smart, innovative people in this country, let’s put them to work solving the energy issue and reducing climate changing carbon emissions at the same time. It only makes sense,” he said.
While House Democrats welcomed the vote, they remained suspicious of the Republicans motives. “We don’t know what they (the Republicans) are up to but we know they are up to something,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Peolsi.
“It’s simple,” said House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan. “We looked at the numbers and realized that it makes economic sense to invest in alternative energy. It also fits with Tea Party ideals of self-reliance. The less we depend on foreign energy sources the less likely a crisis in a country halfway around the world could ruin our economy.”
One of the 5 House Republicans to vote against the bill, a Representative from Texas, who asked not to be named, said, “I don’t know what the Democrats did to my colleagues but they turned them into zombies. This climate stuff is nothing more than an attempt by liberals to control the economy and pass a climate tax.” He noted that there are billions and billions of dollars of oil still in the ground just waiting to be burned. “We should wait until it’s gone before we invest in alternative sources of energy, like nuclear power plants.”
Speaker Boehner indicated that the alternative energy tax is just the start of Republican bipartisan efforts to move the country forward. “Next we are going to reach common ground with the Democrats on immigration reform, tax reform, limits on greenhouse gasses, Obamacare and a whole bunch of other stuff.” He said that Democrats and Republicans in Congress have spent too much time bickering and blocking each other’s efforts. “It’s time for us to work together for the future of this great country of ours,” he said.
There are unconfirmed reports that Vice President Joe Biden has been rendered speechless, generally considered to be yet another unprecedented event. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that President Obama was recovering from shock and was resting comfortably. “As soon as he’s back on his feet, the President will work with House and Senate Republicans to tackle the important issues facing this country.” In a joint session of Senate Republican and Democratic leaders, the gentle strains of Kumbaya could be heard coming through the closed door.
Wait, what day is it?